Am I a Hypocrite?

Spoiler: Yes, I am. A. Hypocrite.

But

Been a while since my last post, but I have a good reason. I was battling an internal conflict that just wouldn't resolve. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I already suffer from Imposter syndrome. How could I be harbouring hatred and unforgiveness towards others and then write about God's uncomplicated love? How could I write about obedience and then argue about something with my parents.? The conscience was definitely not helping the imposter syndrome.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my friend about this very thing. About how I feel like I'm self-righteous and hypocritical by trying to speak to others about things I couldn't handle myself.!

The Bible says, "Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness." 1 John 2:9. Great! Now I'm not even allowed to feel wronged or feel angry? This led me to question why I wanted to cling to this toxic feeling for so long. After much introspection, I realised was wallowing in self-pity and self-justification. That felt good. I didn't want to forgive and forget. I was having a good time having a bad time.

"These people honour me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men."Matthew 15:7-9 . I realised I was praying every day, asking the Lord to forgive me, as I forgave others. But I could not forgive. What was the reason? Too proud? Self Righteous? or was it something else entirely?

Once I understood the root of the problem, and even though I firmly believed that the issue wasn't my fault, I was ready to forgive. God never said forgive only when it's convenient for you, or forgive when you feel like it, or forgive only when both of you are in the wrong.

We pray, forgive us as we forgive others. God instructs us to forgive. No reasons needed. No explanations. Imagine us having to explain ourselves to deserve God's forgiveness. Frightening. If it isn't, imagine having to stand before him and having to explain why he had to leave his heavenly glory and come and suffer and be tortured, and then explain how all we've done is somehow worth all that he had to undergo.

Judging others is a whole other conversation that I guess I must discuss here sometime. (Not that I know much about it, other than it's a no.) But, one step at a time. As the Lord leads.

So, yes. I have been hypocritical. Perhaps I might be in near/distant future too. God knows I'm not perfect. And I will never be "holy" or "righteous" enough to tell anyone how they ought to be or do something.

But, as long as I am willing (hopefully for quite some time), I pray the Lord would in his infinite grace and mercy use me to help someone. Struggling and doubting..... just like me.

I'd like to thank everyone who reads my blog and everyone who gets to read it before, thank you for your invaluable suggestions.